


Sam Can Never Understand

by Crossroads_Castiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel/Dean Winchester in Purgatory, Dean's Journal, Falling In Love, Holding Hands, M/M, No Dialogue, No Smut, POV Dean Winchester, Post-Purgatory Dean Winchester, Touching, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9330740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crossroads_Castiel/pseuds/Crossroads_Castiel
Summary: Dean writes down his thoughts and memories of Purgatory....





	

**Author's Note:**

> I use the shortened version of Cass vs Cas because it is the canonic version. If you prefer not to read that usage, this is your fair warning.

Purgatory: Adjective archaic: having the quality of cleansing or purifying.

Purgatory. We never talk about Purgatory more than we have to. When Sam is in the room and anything is brought up about Purgatory, our eyes lock upon one another, one in our mutual discomfort. It's true. Purgatory changed us, my Angel and I. I spent a year chasing him while he spent a year running away. It was the bloodiest game of hard to get I’d ever played, and when I saw him in that clearing, it was as if a piece of my soul had been lost and then suddenly came home to me. I couldn’t contain myself and threw myself into him, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life, even if he didn’t hug me back. 

After Cass joined up with Benny and I, things were awkward. Benny and I had figured up a routine and adding a third complicated things, in a good way. We alternated shifts so one person was awake and up at all times, and the first time that Castiel and I’s down shifts fell at the same time, it felt only natural when we laid back to back, guarding one another even in rest. We always had each other’s backs. This was no different, I told myself. The comforting warmth at my back had nothing to do with the deepest sleep I’d had since coming to Purgatory, I said. I knew Castiel didn’t sleep, didn’t need to, but he chose to protect me while I slept. The steady rise and fall of his chest was the music I drifted away to. 

When one evening I turned to him and buried my head in his chest while I slept, he said nothing. He kept his hands at his side, never assuming and never taking. With my nose buried in his chest I could smell the scent of him even through the stink of Purgatory on his person. The dirty trench coat was a comfort to me, a piece of proof that there had been something before this. A life before we fell into Monster Land. I fiddled with the buttons of his coat like they were old friends I was conversing with. I missed the tie…He was still in the hospital scrubs and they pained me, a reminder that I had abandoned him. 

Benny, to his credit, never said a word about Cass and I. I knew I was using Benny as a replacement Sam, my surrogate brother while mine was so far away. He had given me an odd look when I described Castiel, my best friend, and why I had to find him. I had confided, eventually, about Cass leaving me so suddenly when we arrived, and my confusion as to his decision. He never understood my drive to find someone who, in his eyes, had betrayed me. He didn’t know Cass, though. Castiel had moved Heaven and Hell to keep me safe, it seemed only fair I move Purgatory this time. 

It wasn't that I trusted the vampire immediately. I wasn't dumb, but it was a means to an end at first. I was undoubtedly lonely and he dangled a promise of a way out and someone to watch my back, even if it wasn't as preferable to me as to have Sam or Cass at my side. It never even crossed my mind to leave without Castiel, much to Benny's frustration. I constantly felt as if I had to defend Castiel to him. Benny was about loyalty as well, it turned out. I tried to explain all that Cass and I had been through. I talked for hours just to hear the sound of something other than monsters screaming and dying and after a while, Benny's face turned contemplative when I brought up my Angel. When we finally found him and he called Cass Hot Wings, I screamed internally. Was he hitting on Castiel or insinuating something about our relationship I had misconstrued? Either option was uncomfortable, but if he laid a finger on Cass, over friendly or otherwise, I promised myself he'd lose it.

Benny seemed to understand that when I let Castiel rest at my back. The vampire had understood from the beginning that I trusted no one, yet here I was putting the Angel who'd abandoned me, at my most vulnerable position. It was as easy as breathing to finally have someone in this nightmare that I could trust and let my guard down with. Benny had stared at me the first night, his eyebrow quirked in confusion as he leaned against a tree on watch. I only shrugged in response and propped my head back on Cass' head as we sat back to back, making my point clear. 

Cass and Benny bickered constantly, and not in the playful way the Angel and I did. It was vicious at times, and always dripping with disdain. I almost got a tone of jealousy at times from the Vampire and the Angel but it couldn't be that. I was mistaken. Cass never asked me why I had teamed up with a vampire. How could he when I had almost called off our entire friendship when he'd teamed up with a demon? That made our differences clear. Castiel was always forgiving, always understanding, and without judgment when it came to me. I, however, was always holding him to a higher standard than he could uphold. It wasn't that I thought he should be better than he was, it was that he was my moral compass, my light in the darkness.

He had been my compass for what was right and what was wrong for so long and so any time he took a misstep I found myself being much harsher with him that I intended. So, this time, when Castiel admitted he had run away to keep me safe, I let it go. He'd done what he thought was right in keeping me safe, even if it left me alone. He would always put my safety before either of ours happiness or comfort. That was something that always frustrated me to no end. He would never have stayed with me if he knew it put me at risk, even if I begged. That was why I had to be firm with him and tell him I wasn't leaving without him. I knew he wanted me out, and if I wouldn't go without him, I could force his hand. It wasn't fair to do that to him, but I needed him. It was an undeniable, tangible need to be near him, to have him at my back, which had me bring him along despite the risks. He was right, of course. We ran into more Leviathan, vampires, and other assorted monsters along the way with him than when it was just Benny and I.

The cool way he smited the lower level monsters impressed Benny, but violence impressed the vampire. However, when I was in danger, the coolness disappeared, replaced with hot fury that Benny almost feared. When we were ambushed by a pack of ghouls and one tried to take a chunk out of my arm, his teeth sinking into my flesh, Castiel immediately dropped the ghoul he was smiting and raced over to me, grabbing the ghoul by the throat and prying his mouth off my arm with a resounding crack of his jaw. Benny came and finished the job of killing the creature while Castiel healed my arm with his Grace, our eyes locking as he held my arm in his gentle grasp. We stared at one another a beat too long, as we had always been known to do, and Benny cleared his throat, a clear indicator it was time to move on. Castiel stood first, extending his hand to me and I gripped it tight as he pulled me up. We stared at our entwined hands for one moment before we both dropped them away abruptly.

Pure. Purgatory was pure. I'd said that hadn't I?

That was why when I looked at Castiel, by all definitions a monster like everything else in this place of blood and stink, I saw nothing but his pure, good intentions...for once. Everything we'd ever said or did to one another fell away and meshed into one thought. This Angel is here to protect me. He cares about me. Every misstep he has taken has been to keep me safe. He is honorable and good. He is _mine_. I realized soon enough that my thoughts began bordering on the possessive when it came to Cass. When Benny occasionally slapped Castiel on the back, congratulating him on a good kill or a fast move, my eyes would tighten. When a monster would go after Cass specifically, I took it as a personal offense. He wasn't theirs to touch or hurt. He was mine. 

I thought back to how many times he was referred to as the Angel on _our_ shoulder, Sam's and mine....I found that here, in this place, I didn't like that idea. He wasn't Sam's. Sam had no claim. He was mine. I didn't know if Cass felt the same way as I did, but I suspected as much when he would stalk off when Benny and I shared friendly conversation or an after-slaughter laugh. I'd have to go find my Angel and give him equal attention. No, Sam wasn't here living through this. He was not Sam's Angel any longer. If he ever had been. Yes, there was a sense of responsibility and brotherliness Cass felt toward Sam. That wasn't what I meant when I thought about it though. Cass and I, we were something different. He'd seen me at my worst, torturing souls in Hell. He'd SEEN me torturing yet he still saw something in my soul worth saving when he could have left my sorry ass down there to rot...should have. Yeah, I knew he had his orders, but none of the other Angels that had been sent with him had been willing to snatch my ass out of Hell's craw except the exceptional creature by my side. Maybe it was my fault he'd fallen. The Angels had said he'd been lost the moment he touched me. I felt a pang of guilt but at that same moment, I thought how that guilt was just reflexive. I could not regret him being here with me. I knew if I had been sent to this place alone, I'd have died bloody long before now. 

At the same time, I knew that Castiel thought similarly of me. He'd murdered thousands of Angels and some humans too. Those humans were not what I'd call upstanding citizens but he'd done it. He'd taken their lives. Yet I still saw him as the pure, good Angel he thought he was so far from. I'd forgiven him, not without anger on my part, but I'd done it. Leaving him in that Psychiatric Ward had been my way of punishing him...and myself....It had almost killed me but what could I do with a delusional, comatose, Angel? I told myself he'd never be the same so there was nothing to be done. Yet here we were again, him as sane as he ever was (which was always debatable) and me, fighting alongside him like the past year had never happened. It wasn't like me to be so forgiving. Hell, I’d told Sam I'd never be able to trust him again after he worked with a demon, yet Cass had done that and worse, and I trusted him implicitly. It wasn't rational or fair to Sam, but it was what it was.  
That was why it seemed normal for neither Cass nor I to bring up Sam. His name was never uttered in the landscape of purgatory. It wasn't that I didn't think of my brother. I missed him more than I could say, but Castiel and I both knew Sam was not a part of this story. This, like our time spent in Hell, in that barn, with Raphael, was our time alone. One day when we had down time and sat slumped against a tree, I realized how often I called Castiel to my side when my brother was gone. It was as if I awaited any moment to spend time alone with him. When it was the three of us, I'd laugh off Cass' comments, his closeness, his...Castielness. However, when it was just us, I let him be. He let me be as well. Castiel let me be something no one else ever had, weak. 

That was how I found myself in his arms one evening in Purgatory. Benny had gone off to check out a lead on the Seam and Castiel and I sat staring at one another, backs propped against a fallen log. Our weapons lay ready at our feet but our eyes kept wandering to each other. I stared at the medical bracelet still encircling my Angel's wrist and I wanted to ask him why he still wore it. However, I hesitated to bring up the outside world. This place, it was different. Everything felt faded and worn and like nothing had ever been or ever would be that was not here. So I didn't speak. I shivered against the cold chill that brushed by, knowing that was the signal that night was falling. I fingered the Purgatory blade comfortingly, not trusting the quiet respite we'd been granted. Suddenly I found myself leaning my head onto my Angel's shoulder, soaking in the familiarity and the heat of him. He stiffened against me and I almost withdrew but then I felt him relax against me, almost sagging with relief. Touch. It was a luxury we'd never afforded ourselves outside of this place, but here, this was allowed. It was innocent comfort but never would I have allowed it before, nor would Castiel have initiated such touch with me. He knew how I was with casual touching. I grabbed up my Purgatory blade in my right hand but inexplicably my left hand decided to slide under my Angel’s dirty trench coat to hug him around the waist. I looked down like my arm had a mind of its own and Cass turned to me with confusion in his eyes. We locked eyes and I bit my lip, not knowing what to say. I went to slide my hand away and Cass eyes tightened and he clapped his left hand down to hold me in place on his side, scooting closer to me as his right arm mimicked mine and held me by the waist.   
He didn’t speak. We rarely did anymore. We didn’t have to. Speaking just lured the predators to us. So we sat in companionable silence, our arms wrapped around each other’s waists. It was an odd sensation, being willingly this close to him. I felt as if his hand resting on my side would sear a hole through my clothing. I turned into him, dropped the Purgatory blade, and wrapped my other arm around his waist, touching our foreheads together and staring into his eyes. Cass snaked his other arm around my waist as well, and he sat there, simply staring, speaking without words. I am sure Castiel could sense my longing, but for what, I didn’t know. Not then I didn’t. I leaned forward and enfolded him in a hug until Benny came back. When we heard his approach, knowing his footfalls, Castiel slowly extricated himself, knowing my mind. I reluctantly pulled away as well and felt lesser for it. Benny came back with no news. I sometimes wondered if he intentionally left to give Castiel and I time alone. Did he think we…did things…while he was gone? The thought flitted across my mind and my forehead scrunched up. Cass was my purity. He consisted of gentle, healing touches, not sex. I could barely wrap my mind around the thought of Castiel having sex. I glanced over at him and he was staring up at the sky. As far as I knew, he was still a virgin. His first time…with anyone…deserved to be soft, unhurried, and at the very least, freshly showered…and certainly not with a damaged creature like myself. He was damaged too…but he was still an Angel. I was more monster than he was or ever would be. 

If I was honest with myself, and I usually was in my own head, I did find Cass attractive. His daring will to do what was right, his devotion to me, that reckless mop of brown he called hair, those piercing blue eyes that saw straight to my soul…literally. It all appealed to me more than I would ever admit to anyone. I caught myself staring at his mouth sometimes before we went there; sometimes standing too close and blaming it on Cass…He was my guilty pleasure. I had a right to be near him, to revel in his friendship, yet could use his Divinity as an excuse to never be sexual with him. I could stare at him and he would never ask me why I was staring. Hell, he might know, but he’d never say…and his voice, that commanding growl, it did things to me…but no, I could not imagine pushing him down on a bed and having sex with him. Would he even know what to do?

Now that the thought had been introduced into my head, it wouldn’t go away. I’d find myself thinking about if his lips were soft while I was ganking a vampire. When I would behead a ghoul, I’d be wondering if he was as tan all over as the rest of him was. Damn it. I shouldn’t be imagining my pure Angel naked. He was my guiding light, my Divine Angel. I can’t think about fucking my guiding light! These thoughts were continually distracting to me in our days looking for the portal. I was only thankful Castiel could not appear to hear them unless I let out a specific prayer.   
One day, I had lost track of time by this point, Benny was leading our group and I fell in line behind him. Castiel followed up directly behind me as seemed to be his preferred position. I never thought much about it until a Gorilla-Wolf picked off Cass as the straggler of the group and he had slit its throat before we’d even known he was missing. That was when I realized, he’d been protecting me even with his choice of where he walked. Always protecting me. That moment of realization also brought me clarity. Here I was, in Monster Land, buddied up with an Angel who chose humanity (me) over Heaven and a Vampire who chose to drink donated blood instead of people. I, Dean Winchester, would find the two creatures who turned against their very natures by seeing value in humanity. I was more of a monster than they were. I was more at home with these creatures than humans. Ironic, that. 

Touch. I was talking about touch wasn’t I? I feel like I’m rambling. Can you ramble in your own thoughts? Touch became something I thought about a lot. It happened gradually. Our arms would brush together as we walked side by side. At first I initiated it, pretending to walk too close to have an excuse for us to brush against one another. It appeared innocent enough to Benny, who didn’t know me like Cass did. Castiel ignored the first brush of his arm. The second he quirked his eyebrow at. He knew I wasn’t clumsy and that I didn’t brush against anyone uncalculated. The third time, Castiel’s fingers brushed against the back of my hand, unnoticed by Benny. My fingers entwined with his only a moment. Benny turned around soon after and we drifted apart. 

That was how it started, the hand holding. Benny caught us enough times that I stopped caring after a while. At first Benny laughed. Said he never pegged me for the hand holding type. I threatened to leave his ass in Purgatory and Castiel said nothing but his eyes narrowed. He didn’t laugh anymore after that. His amusement was worth the comfort of it for me. Cass’ warm, dry hand in my clammy one became what got me through the next fight, the next nightfall, the next moment sometimes. If I survived those moments, I could hold his hand again. I never asked Castiel why he liked it too. I was too afraid of the intensity of his gaze, of what he would say. I knew he needed it too, though. Often he would be the one to scoop my hand up again as soon as we were able. I guess I should have realized then that something was up. Cass would never have been so forward if he thought he would get out of Purgatory, looking back on it now. 

The night before I escaped Purgatory, Benny was feeling confident. He felt for certain we would find it tomorrow. Something about that news made Cass even less talkative than normal. I was foolish not to see it. When Benny left to make a patrol around our camp, Castiel gently picked my hand up and studied it, tracing my knuckles, the scars on my hand, my fingertips. I held my breath as such an innocent touch made my eyes want to roll back in my head. I didn’t need sex with Cass. Touches were intoxicating enough. I laced our hands together and playfully bumped my forehead into his, looking him the eyes. He seemed distracted…sad even. I couldn’t understand why. Tomorrow, we’d go home. We’d find Sam….and….Cass and I would, what? Keep holding hands? Stop? I had trouble imagining myself holding Cass’ hand so nonchalantly in front of Sam. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring but I knew for certain Castiel would be by my side…Oh how wrong I was going to be. 

Sam saw me struggling with recovering from Purgatory and he suggested I write down my thoughts. I couldn't that day. Cass…He didn’t make it out, not that day. I failed him. I let him let go of me. How? My grip was relentless when we held hands. How could I let him go when he needed me the most? Sam…Sam can’t know all of this. He’d worry too much. He already looks at me as if I might shatter, and if he knew what Cass and I shared there or that it was too late and I was already broken...I left my guiding light, my purity, in Purgatory. Without him, it was just darkness. I pretended, for Sam…But Castiel did come back to me, in the blink of an eye he’s back. I can’t trust it though. He’s different, changed. He’s broken too. We don’t talk about Purgatory, and we don’t hold hands. We barely touch at all. I guess we both left our purity there. Sometimes I wish we could get it back. Sam could never understand. -DW


End file.
